It doesn’t feel right—I don’t feel right. At least just in this aspect.
It’s like he doesn’t really care anymore because he’s sick of my overreacting in certain situations. but i have a right to want to ask questions, right? a right to tell him the truth about how some things make me feel. a right to want a little more than what he gives me. a right to call out my feeling underappreciated.
Like come on, i don’t even get walked to class. nor does he bother to hold my hand. and those aren’t even big deals, but i think they’re symbolic of our relationship. and he doesn’t even think about that kind of stuff because to him it’s so insignificant, but he doesn’t realize how they wail and echo. they’re so insignificant that you would think it wouldn’t be a hassle to do them or that it would just come naturally—you know, to want to hold someone’s hand or to want to wait for them and walk with them. but he doesn’t think about that kind of stuff, and maybe it’s because he doesn’t actually like me.
Oh, i know that he could find another girl whom maybe he can actually love; someone who shares his interests and whose eyes make him want to do anything for her with just one glance. he could stare at her and be overwhelmed from how lucky he is to have a girl like her, who shares his sense of humor and loves his favorite foods and isn’t offended by the way he talks to her sometimes. maybe he won’t talk to her in an offensive tone in the first place because he could never talk like that to a face like that.
I just get this feeling that it’s difficult for him to easily treat me how i wish to be treated because i don’t compel him to want to do those things. so it doesn’t come naturally.
And i get this feeling that he keeps me (and thinks that he wants to be with me forever) because i listen to him, compliment him, put up with him, accept him, already know his secrets, …am much more devoted than his first girlfriend with whom he had a bad experience. so compared to that experience, this experience is better by far. he’s afraid this is the best experience he can get. so of course he can’t let go of this experience.
I’d love to release him from this misery, too, but it hurts me to have to let him be alone. i can’t doubt that i love him and care for him—always will. and as much as i want him to be with someone else better for him, whom he can love easily, i can’t stand imagining another girl touching all his skin and receiving all his kisses and knowing all his secrets.
maybe i’m becoming more attached to him than he is to me.
i’ve tried so hard to not let that happen. it’s the worst thing to do to yourself, become so attached. because when the time comes…what else will you hold onto